Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Losing Myself.
I'm sad. I'm like losing myself. My identity has been discreetly stolen. Everything seems to double. It doesn't feel right anymore, the insecurity has landed on me. I'm seeing myself as double, and sadly, I can't even protest about any of it. When I say that I'm one of a kind, it's a bullshit, coz the fact is that some people can follow, some people can copy what I do, nothing is genuine anymore, the originality is not seen as one anymore.
I was born as a single child. I've grown up as a single child. I never had a twin and I never want to have a twin. I've been drawing myself of how I want myself to become, I'm selfish when it comes to this, I don't wanna share, I want that picture to only be mine, I don't want others to copy or own it no matter how good it is, no matter how crappy it is, no matter how high they'd pay for it, coz I want it to be the only one, and I know it's the only one coz it comes from me. Why can't one be original, why can't one find their own cherries to pop, I refuse to inspire, on this matter, I don't wanna be anyone's inspiration so that they can do the same thing I do. I am my own inspiration, this is one of the therapy processes of getting to know myself, finding my own self-identity. They should too, they should find their own identities, apart from mine. How hard can it be?
I'm so sad. I'm not me anymore. How pathetic it is, I'm sad, and this makes me cry. How hard it is to be yourself, and I always thought being different is hard. Ah yes, it's fucking hard big time. It sucks when others are parasiting tails. I'm sad. I'm angry in discreet, and I'm tired of saving it. I'm sad. I just want to keep being me, without others to follow. I wish I could beg them not to take my identity away from me. I wish I could beg them to find their own. I wish I could make them realize of what they've done to me and my integrity as myself. I wish I could just ignore this. For so many times I thought I could.
I'm sorry but I have to let this out. And yes, I'm sad. So sad. I feel terrible just by writing this. Hope this won't hurt the person that I'm actually talking about. I hope the person understands. I thought I was okay with it, like I had told the person before, but no, another part of me still feels uncomfortable with it. I refuse to be an inspiration. I'm too selfish and self-centered to be an inspiration or to inspire. Truth hurts as it mostly does. There, I've said it.
Dee
Dee | 1:51 AM |