Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Losing Myself.
I'm sad. I'm like losing myself. My identity has been discreetly stolen. Everything seems to double. It doesn't feel right anymore, the insecurity has landed on me. I'm seeing myself as double, and sadly, I can't even protest about any of it. When I say that I'm one of a kind, it's a bullshit, coz the fact is that some people can follow, some people can copy what I do, nothing is genuine anymore, the originality is not seen as one anymore.
I was born as a single child. I've grown up as a single child. I never had a twin and I never want to have a twin. I've been drawing myself of how I want myself to become, I'm selfish when it comes to this, I don't wanna share, I want that picture to only be mine, I don't want others to copy or own it no matter how good it is, no matter how crappy it is, no matter how high they'd pay for it, coz I want it to be the only one, and I know it's the only one coz it comes from me. Why can't one be original, why can't one find their own cherries to pop, I refuse to inspire, on this matter, I don't wanna be anyone's inspiration so that they can do the same thing I do. I am my own inspiration, this is one of the therapy processes of getting to know myself, finding my own self-identity. They should too, they should find their own identities, apart from mine. How hard can it be?
I'm so sad. I'm not me anymore. How pathetic it is, I'm sad, and this makes me cry. How hard it is to be yourself, and I always thought being different is hard. Ah yes, it's fucking hard big time. It sucks when others are parasiting tails. I'm sad. I'm angry in discreet, and I'm tired of saving it. I'm sad. I just want to keep being me, without others to follow. I wish I could beg them not to take my identity away from me. I wish I could beg them to find their own. I wish I could make them realize of what they've done to me and my integrity as myself. I wish I could just ignore this. For so many times I thought I could.
I'm sorry but I have to let this out. And yes, I'm sad. So sad. I feel terrible just by writing this. Hope this won't hurt the person that I'm actually talking about. I hope the person understands. I thought I was okay with it, like I had told the person before, but no, another part of me still feels uncomfortable with it. I refuse to be an inspiration. I'm too selfish and self-centered to be an inspiration or to inspire. Truth hurts as it mostly does. There, I've said it.
Dee
Dee | 1:51 AM |
Saturday, September 16, 2006
diminished.
diminished.
everything is diluting
like a head spinning clockwise
welcoming another life to enter
causing discreet overload pain
images are vividly overlayed
colors are dissolved
profound peace is here
where a good soul is half sober
and pain is never a killer
it never is
Gothess
*160906*
Dee | 2:28 AM |
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Once Upon A Time.
Once upon a time..
There was a bitch
Who thought she was a witch
That bitch went bitching around
Screeching like the worst banshee ever found
She grinned like a bitch
She thought she smirked like a witch
That bitch had a loyal grey cat
She always thought it was a black cat
That bitch was creating bad smells
She thought they were all spells
Twice upon a time..
That bitch finally moved to a bitch camp
She thought it was a witch camp
That bitch finally died in a bitch fight
She flew down to a bitch hell, that's right!!!
-Dee-
*i had so much fun making this entry, LOL*
Friday, September 01, 2006
Feeling needlessly emotional..
I was feeling all emotional today. Some shitty crap happened at work, causing my rising anger to be completely power-pressed against extra patience I grabbed from my hidden inventory. Ridiculous and highly unreasonable criticism and accusation that evil threw at my face. Felt like poofing the most powerful and evilest spell ever made to destroy his slithery tongue while he was talking all like shit, (at least I did it on my mind, lol). I was all tongue-tied, surrendering for pride, trying to forgive and forget, yet it didn't get any better till the last blabbering session, another bearded freak was playing all muted and blind on purpose. I was trying so hard not to get carried away and explode a C4 upon his beard, I ignored yet the surrounding noticed, they could read my obvious mind, telling me not to think about that goatee so much, that I was doing all OK, and such thing that could burst my salty prideless tears at anytime for he was being totally disrespectful, maybe he was just having a bad day, oh yes, let it be that way, or else I'd tie and force him to open his eyes and watch me just like when Alex de Large was forced to watch some violent movies by those mad scientists in Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange (not that I'm saying I'm violent, LOL). Somehow, I kept being reminded that it is definitely fine to try to make other people like you, but then again, you can't make all of them do such, some people just have different mindsets and the hardest thing to swallow and digest is the fact that I have to agree on that. Thank God I have my other half to listen and help me get through these sleazy glitches of the day. He soon replaced it all with such big relieving news that brought my sincere curvy smile back all the way. I totally love him.
I'm now begging my eyes to do the usual rituals as the closing, resting in bare comfort, playing dead until tomorrow. :)
Dee | 12:47 AM |
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Apart from being "lovely"..
Tonight is one of the perfect nights to mourn over damp loneliness. Whining without a glass of wine, those neurons are over-paralyzed and all dazed waiting for hectic frowns, hmmh, missing times when I was practically able to live that long-lost infatuation as a magician, being able to disappear among raging individualism hormones and cracking horrendous bulbs on those fuming heads pinata-like. Hilarious as never.
Mind you, I just won a ticket to a state of boredom, with a whole lotta infatuations buckled up, sad fact, true that. Killing sensations that last like newly poured soda rising in that shiny thin transparent jar-like glass. Nothing extraordinary, well, this is more less an extraordinary obscure rants, muchly preferable, rather than sobbing over a ridiculous nightmare (God, send me over a better script next time, will ya?) which involved a mad cutesy bride of plucky and a godfather, ended up dead and wasted all over -- a flockbuster scenario, puh lease, could something else worse be much more igniting? At least a sober creature was frantically amused. How come brilliiance always comes over ignorance not mentioning at the slightest bit of it? words falling from above? the hole in the ceiling? Then I'd be damned like a tyro would.
Turn off the lights now. I'm down-dead. Expecting early sobriety. Ha, ha.
Hardly.
Dee | 10:37 PM |
Counting Goats
These past few days have been really weird. Sleepless nights, literally sickening body, jumbled thoughts in mind, anxiety, fast-looping hard heartbeats, no sadness, no boredom. I just feel somehow, awkwardly, peaceful. With numbness as the icing. How lovely.. :)
Dee | 3:16 AM |
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Forewords..
Hell O, everyone :)
I finally have a blogger account! LOL. I need this blog to post all of my brain waste (like others aren't enough just yet! :p) but anyway, I also have other accounts scattered, just so you know.. you can visit them as well. :)
If you wanna maintain some friendship with me, just meet me up on messengers that i have:
- Yahoo Messenger: gothic_cupid >> my primary messenger
- MSN Messenger: dee_cupid@hotmail.com
- Skype Messenger: baptisma
- Gtalk: agothnameddee
*note: please reveal yourselves and tell me how u knew my ID from if you wanna chat with me on these messengers, or else, I'd just ignore, I don't just add everybody, u know. :)
Or, if you can't use or you don't have messengers, just simply e-mail me at:
Feel free to view any of 'em and leave trace if you must :-)
I'm out now.. Thank's, people..
Dee | 4:28 PM |